In this Guest Prudie edition, author Scaachi Koul addresses several poignant relationship questions. One letter highlights a man who, after undergoing a vasectomy and a holiday indiscretion, faces family outrage due to a false pregnancy claim. Koul advises him to maintain boundaries while navigating family tensions. Another letter features a married mother feeling overburdened, advocating for a strategic exit plan to create a more fulfilling life. Koul also touches on a friend’s rushed relationship post-breakup, suggesting supportive honesty while respecting her autonomy. The overall theme emphasizes navigating personal boundaries and prioritizing emotional well-being.
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<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="26" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu53pp0012j4me1dcpkc0p@published"><em>This unique edition is part of our </em><em>Guest Prudie</em> <em>series, where we invite insightful individuals to act as Prudie for a day and offer their advice.</em></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="42" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uudmgl003o3b73sas2kh9b@published">Scaachi Koul is a senior writer at Slate, the co-host of the Ambie Award-winning podcast <em>Scamfluencers</em>, and the author of <em>Sucker Punch</em> and <em>One Day We’ll All Be Dead And None Of This Will Matter</em><em>. Sucker Punch</em> was released this March.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="14" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uue1am003t3b73juy4x5hb@published">We asked Koul for her thoughts on pregnancy scares, navigating divorce, and the cycles of dating:</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="2" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uuci57003e3b73zgl2da2a@published"><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="106" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8nbg001g3b73y7onb312@published">I never intended to become a father. After a few too many scares during college, I underwent a vasectomy. I didn't inform my mother or sisters because, despite being die-hard liberals, they can be surprisingly conservative (the idea of our family name becoming extinct doesn't bother me—we're not royals, after all). Over the holidays, I became involved with an old family friend. I had worked through Christmas and New Year’s Eve, so my visit was early. I received a furious phone call from my mother, who had been told by the family friend that she was pregnant and naming me as the father.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="99" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ndq001h3b73ch8bwz8i@published">My mind couldn’t keep up with my mouth. I told my mom that was impossible, as I had a vasectomy. Ever since, my mother and sisters have been panicking, claiming I'm too young and foolish to decide against fatherhood, and that my future wife controls my body. I eventually responded in the family chat with a message stating: no penis, no opinion, and I would be blocking everyone until after January to allow them some time to cool off. I enjoyed the peace, but I don't want to permanently cut my family from my life. So, what's next?</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="1" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ngb001i3b73it5cp5qt@published">—Snippy</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="2" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8nmm001j3b7383vc4d0q@published"><strong>Dear Snippy, </strong></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="100" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8npg001k3b736v8zjv95@published">Wow, there’s quite a lot of discussion about penises within your family. Perhaps your parents could adopt my father’s perspective on genitals, which seems to lead him to a total disconnection from reality whenever they come up. He once switched off an animal documentary because he saw two frogs mating. If I told my dad about my vasectomy, he’d likely react similarly to how your family is—his first instinct would be to shout “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR TUBES” before retreating into a hole in the earth’s core and residing there permanently.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="97" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8nrs001l3b73jfi1wzqd@published">In any case, there's an overwhelming amount of inappropriate talk about genitalia in your family. If you hope to maintain a relationship with them, you must acknowledge some of their distress. Join them for a Sunday dinner (assuming it involves a lot of penis talk), and keep the atmosphere light and easy-going. If the subject of your refusal to father an heir arises, simply state that you won't discuss it any further. If they press on, leave. You are an adult, and what you do with your body is nobody’s business but your own.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="29" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8nuh001m3b73i438dh9d@published">Now: Should you have been involved with a family friend? No, that's certainly unwise. If you wish to keep your family out of your personal life, avoid engaging physically with your aunt's daughter.</p>
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By Scaachi Koul. St. Martin’s Press.
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<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="2" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8pj8001q3b73jnjxtrk8@published"><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="199" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywr001v3b734taf7ndu@published">I am a married single mom with two young boys. I am the main provider and caregiver while my husband works part-time. He’s a fantastic father (present, engaged, fun but strict) but a terrible husband (my needs always come last). We've been together for a long time and upon reflection, I realize the red flags I ignored, largely due to low self-esteem and fear of loneliness. I am in therapy (solo, as my husband refuses to participate), trying to reconcile my anger towards myself for not leaving sooner, towards him for being inadequate as a partner, and the fact that without him, I wouldn’t have my boys. I'm struggling, and my marriage is in dire straits. Financially, we can scarcely afford my therapy, much less a divorce. The thought of not being with my children daily devastates me. I have no time for myself and absolutely no privacy. Most days, I feel like a zombie, with the effort to keep going being monumental. How do I survive this?</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="3" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywt001w3b73iys2xrv3@published">—Struggling in Seattle</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="4" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywt001x3b73e3qpeo6d@published"><strong>Dear Struggling in Seattle,</strong></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="12" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywt001y3b73tyupggjr@published">You endure it by planning your exit.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="113" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywt001z3b73ssljyzzu@published">You characterize your situation as completely unsustainable: Your partner excels as a parent (though how that’s possible when he disregards <em>you</em>, the other parent, is unclear) but is a profoundly poor husband. You’re overwhelmed with self-directed anger (at someone else’s actions, no less) and burnout from caring for your kids and managing your financial pressures. I understand that advising you to leave feels overly simplistic, and undoubtedly, you recognize that's the ultimate goal. However, surviving your current circumstance involves envisioning a different future where this situation no longer exists and steadily moving toward achieving it.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="77" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywu00203b73uu754uxb@published">I’m uncertain about what you're hoping to salvage in your existing situation. Referring to yourself as “a married single mom” is infuriating, as it suggests you’re handling everything solo despite being married. What’s the purpose of marriage if your spouse makes you feel alone in your responsibilities? I know I sound repetitive and harsh; I don’t mind: leave.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="133" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywu00213b73pp5gy6l1@published">Divorce is common. It’s a frequent occurrence for individuals across all walks of life. You can also seek a divorce if you choose to. Create a list of everything you need to facilitate your departure. Identify both the practical and emotional steps involved, from securing a new living situation to addressing any financial separations (it’s a good idea to consult with a lawyer for a free consultation, or even a couple!). This might seem overwhelming, and you may find it daunting. Feel free to express your frustration and anguish over the situation—divorce can be exhausting. Yet, don’t let it appear impossible or unattainable. Our current defense secretary has been divorced twice; anyone can do it, and so can you.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="109" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywv00223b73p11etnex@published">While plotting your escape, it’s essential to strengthen your social network and nurture it in every possible way. Do you have trusted friends or family? If not, consider creating your own chosen family. Build connections with parents of your children’s friends. Attend PTA meetings. Hang around during soccer practice. Engage in conversations on Reddit’s divorce forums. Read literature and watch films about starting anew. Join clubs. Volunteer. Take self-defense classes or dance lessons. Surround yourself with people such that a few of them know what your favorite movie is (mine happens to be <em>RoboCop</em>).</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="149" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8ywv00233b73z4osyr4b@published">Once your network is established, you must invite them into your struggles. Isolation and despair are compounded by our tendency to suffer silently. There are always people willing to support you, but they need to be made aware of your situation. I often reflect on how little I shared with others about my challenges while extricating myself from my marriage. I wanted to maintain a brave front to avoid appearing like a failure. What did that achieve? A minor amount of embarrassment? I still faced humiliation multiple times throughout my divorce and various other incidents. Had I reached out, I might have saved myself considerable time and heartache. The shame was always lurking, regardless of my attempts to suppress it.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="55" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu8yww00243b73qb74jzt1@published">Inform your friends and family about your intentions. Seek their assistance in filling in any remaining gaps. Your plans will gradually take shape, revealing a clearer path toward action. Eventually, you'll look back at your life and appreciate how much <em>you</em> have changed it for the better.</p>
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<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="2" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu90ts00283b73gpczp95n@published"><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="165" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973d002d3b73gh3mol2c@published">A close friend of mine recently ended a five-year relationship. The breakup was her decision, but things seem as amicable as they can be. In a recent conversation, she mentioned feeling unsure about her identity outside of being someone’s girlfriend. I'm proud of her for recognizing this behavioral pattern. Given our age difference, I sometimes wish she wouldn't repeat my past mistakes. However, about three weeks after her breakup, she entered into a serious relationship with someone new. I'm struggling with disappointment. It’s hard for me to engage with her about this man or even with her in general. I genuinely believe this new romance isn’t the best fit for her, but she’s currently happy. I want to support her yet also hold her accountable for her previous wish to find herself without being in a relationship. What should I do?</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="5" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973f002e3b73aq7t2wp0@published">—Wanting the Best for Her</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="6" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973f002f3b73u66jsask@published"><strong>Dear Wanting the Best for Her,</strong></p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="46" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973f002g3b73kjlxxskk@published">During my marriage, I had (and still have) a friend who despised my ex-husband. She expressed her disdain so openly that it felt as if he had harmed her in some way. Every wedding day photo captured a woman who looked like she was being held against her will.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="125" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973f002h3b73kaq39qwn@published">I was well aware of her feelings toward him, but she never criticized me for it. Instead, she provided a safe space for me to express my desires, needs, and frustrations. Primarily, she posed questions, let me talk through my feelings, and permitted silence to offer wisdom. Although she tolerated my ex, I cherished that she never made me feel ashamed when I finally admitted that my marriage was faltering. Back then, I was already grappling with immense feelings of embarrassment in the early stages of a breakup, and it felt good to avoid one more area of humiliation.</p>
<aside data-uri="slate.com/_components/in-article-recirc/instances/cm7uu53pp0014j4me8st15v7c@published" class="in-article-recirc" data-via="article-inline_recirc-section-advice">
<ol class="in-article-recirc__list">
<li class="in-article-recirc__item">Help! A Family Friend Called and Said I Was Her Baby’s Father. That’s Impossible.</li>
<li class="in-article-recirc__item">I Thought My Husband Was a Good Stay-at-Home Dad. But Now I’m Not Sure My Toddler Is Safe.</li>
<li class="in-article-recirc__item">Help! My Husband’s Relatives Have an Intense “Cultural Tradition” About Visits. I Can’t Take It Anymore.</li>
<li class="in-article-recirc__item">Help! I Should Be Grateful for the Incredible Gesture My Husband Did For Me. Instead, I’m Spiraling.</li>
</ol>
</aside>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="99" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973f002i3b73f6ab8jkd@published">This terrain is what friendship often entails: turning a blind eye as needed, for the sake of one’s sentiments. No one can be forced into their future, and it is clear your friend is not yet ready to confront herself. While it may be tempting to lecture her from your three to six years of experience, that probably won’t be effective. Instead, you can gently remind her—when the opportunity arises—that she expressed a desire to explore her identity beyond her role as someone else's girlfriend.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="129" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu973g002j3b73f9ojif5n@published">If you think this new guy is not a good fit, communicate that to her in a way that doesn’t sound like you’re going to hold it over her head continually: <em>I’m not fond of this guy for you; I believe there are better options for you, and I recall your discussions about wanting to explore your identity before jumping into another relationship.</em> If she defends her choice and stays with him, then you have your answer. It’s impossible to compel everyone to face their realities, and when this relationship ultimately falters—an occurrence that is quite common, as you know, <em>o’ wise sage</em>—you must decide whether to be present during the fallout or to protect your peace and adjust your relationship with her to a more distant acquaintance.</p>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="1" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu98cf002n3b73vknun7r1@published"><span class="slate-paragraph--tombstone">—Scaachi</span></p>
<h3 class="subhead subhead--none" data-uri="slate.com/_components/subhead/instances/cm7uu9dg2002x3b73087wkj80@published">When Andrew Sean Greer Was Guest Prudie</h3>
<p class="slate-paragraph slate-graf" data-word-count="101" data-uri="slate.com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cm7uu9alg002s3b737ow9xdbb@published">My husband is incredibly intelligent. He graduated from an Ivy League institution, has published in various academic journals, and achieved success in a competitive field during his 20s. These achievements are impressive, yet what I appreciate most is how he carries his intelligence lightly. He prefers asking questions over dominating conversations and explains concepts clearly without condescension, always eager to learn from those who may be smarter than him—he avoids the need to be “the smartest person in the room.” However, there's one specific area where that dynamic has changed.</p>
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